How to Grow a Friendship

Gauging whether someone is an acquaintance, in the developing friendship stage, a school mate, a friend, or a close friend is incredibly hard for those of us who are neurodivergent (maybe for neurotypical people, too).

This is a tool to spark conversations around particular peers of autistic children/teens. Many neurodivergent children will want to be friends with everyone, and make not pick up on signs that others are not interested in friendship. They may make false friends, who use them for snacks or humiliate them for a laugh. Sometimes, neurodivergent children spurn friendships altogether, just to avoid the anxiety and embarrassment they may have encountered in earlier interactions.

For the past 13 years, I’ve taught students to consider how others are treating them in deciding whether or not that person is a suitable friend. I’ve encouraged students to consider how the other person makes them feel. We’ve brainstormed friendship traits that are important, desirable but not necessary, and not important whatsoever. I developed these for my neurodivergent coaching clients and students, and it's helped many of them to evaluate the quality of certain friendships (or acquaintanceships!) and to determine reciprocity. Frameworks really help us!

If my clients/students decide they want to continue developing a friendship with a peer who makes them feel safe, respected, cared for, and like there is mutual enjoyment in the interactions, they can set goals by gradually showing additional friendship traits in return. If the other person never shows these traits, they may not be a good friend to pursue. (I certainly wish I’d had something like this, growing up, to help me walk away from relationships that weren’t serving me, or where I was more invested than the other person.)

Feel free to adapt the friendship image and accompanying questionnaire for classroom or personal use, so long as copyright (C) Kara Dymond, 2023 remains visible.